As the deer thirst for the water, Lord
So my soul longs after you
My soul thirst for the living God
Oh, my soul, longs after You
And I pour out my soul deep within me
Deep within me I pour out my soul
Draw me deeper, Lord
Deeper, Lord, in you
I learned this morning that the proverbial rug may has (more than likely) been pulled out from under us. Then, I get to church only to have the songs and sermon follow the path we have before us. I am not sure where we go from here. All I know is that my faith is no longer enough to sustain our household. I need more in my storehouse. I have depleted all I have and I am not sure where we go from here. Normally, I would just say, "God will provide." Well, I can no longer just say it. If I don't believe it too, we will lose everything. Literally. The house, the vehicle, the "family" (dogs and cats).
Is this the point where I throw myself prostrate before the Lord and say, "Enough. You win. I am broken, bruised, bloodied and tired. Take everything and see that your will be done"? What if I am the only one? Does he work the same if only one person is at that point? Does my faith and broken-ness cover the whole household, or do I have to hold on and finish the rest of the ride for the entire household? Am I being run over and crushed over and over until everyone is lock-step? Are there any right answers to any of these questions?
When I think I'm going under part the waters, Lord
When I feel the waves around me, calm the sea
When I cry for help, oh, hear me, Lord and hold out your hand
Touch my life still the raging storm in me
Can I really sing these lyrics and mean them in the depths of my despair? I am not so sure any more.
Sunday, June 27
Sunday, June 20
Is Every Denomination as "Inbred" as the...?
This one is just me trying to work out a few "issues" I have with the denomination I have been in for the last 12ish years. I am not sure where to start with this but it has been a brain stumper.
I didn't notice growing up Baptist that there may have been a preference towards all things Baptist. No one promoted only Baptist schools, only Baptist music, only Baptist camps, etc. Maybe I was just one of the lucky ones who was not pushed into believing that my particular denomitation was all encompasing of God's truth. Dad studied and grew, which led us to several different Baptist and Penticostal churches. Each one taught me something new but in the end, it was my own studying and prayer that led me to the non-Denominational style. I was comfortable there and things clicked for me religiously. Then I met the hubby. Hmmm. Church of Christ. I cringed. I think that I have been living in the denominational naivety.
Let me start by saying, I love our church. Our minister is wonderful, with an understanding of God and people that still awes me after 12 years. He is the reason that I have stayed. That and a little bit of in-law fear (but that is a whole other entry). I overlook the occasional mention of the saving waters of Baptism (sorry, but with out repentance all you are is a wet sinner), the loss of salvation and my very favorite issue, no musically insturments (Oh, no! A piano? You demon!) "A" doesn't preach on them so I can live with it.
Now, this is what I am pondering....
Why, oh why, are CoC members in the blog-o-sphere, www, etc having a mad cow over losing members to other denominations? Why is there a huge push to get people to stay (and stagnate) instead of going to the church down the street that has a better youth ministry and a worship style that they enjoy? SO WHAT! They are still in church, still worshiping God, and still on the "right side" of the good vs evil game. What gives? I, also, noticed that a lot of the same people are friends and follow the same set of writings, notices, groups, etc. Seriously, does everyone know everyone? If you mention Joe Schmo to Bill Spill, he knows him. If Sally Seashore hears the name Candy Cane, she knows her. I am in awe at how small the community of CoC is when it comes to music, teaching, history and leadership. And if you are too "progressive", you are no longer considered a "Real CoC member" (note ML and PY). What? Are we Amish? I don't remember shunning in the bible.
Speaking of music, are all CoC members required to have vast love for accapella music? And if it is not accapella, do they need to be related to someone in the accapella music industry? Is other music allowed? And are RG and KL the only accapelle music writers? Is "K" really the end-all-be-all? Is every other music second class? I just want to understand. And honest to goodness, I would love to know if any of the churches have SAB sheet music in their possession if a tenor is not available? And I am of the opinion that if you have to fake "instruments" with your voice, you might as well have instruments.
What is so special about going to a CoC college? LU, HU, FHU, OVU, RC, OC etc. (Pep.pe.rdi.ne doesn't really count, it's too liberal) There are millions of people every year who go to other colleges/universities that get perfectly good educations. Why the push? I don't get it. And, right back to the knowing everyone, if you mention "John" at one college, people at another college probably know them because their aunt's friend's husband's cousin went to see him at a lectureship when they were 8.
I thought is was just the CoC for a long time. Then my family reunion happened and my cousins stayed with us; then it hit me. I am finally old enough to realize that this is probably a problem in all large denominations: Southern Baptist, Assembly of God, Catholics, Methodist, CoG, CoC, etc. I mean, shoot, how many church splits have happened just over the version of the bible used? I have family that will only use the KJV.
So I guess my conclusion is, we need to stop denominationalizing every part of our lives and start opening up our minds to others. I am sure there are many schools, teachers, preachers and music that contribute as much to the religious landscape as the denomination that we are currently in. We can learn from everyone. I, myself, have never (and will never) be a dyed-in-the-wool anything. I may one day find that the Christian church is more suited to my liking. Or, I may end up back at the Vineyard. Who knows? I just know that in my heart, God will lead me to the place that I am supposed to be in the end.
I didn't notice growing up Baptist that there may have been a preference towards all things Baptist. No one promoted only Baptist schools, only Baptist music, only Baptist camps, etc. Maybe I was just one of the lucky ones who was not pushed into believing that my particular denomitation was all encompasing of God's truth. Dad studied and grew, which led us to several different Baptist and Penticostal churches. Each one taught me something new but in the end, it was my own studying and prayer that led me to the non-Denominational style. I was comfortable there and things clicked for me religiously. Then I met the hubby. Hmmm. Church of Christ. I cringed. I think that I have been living in the denominational naivety.
Let me start by saying, I love our church. Our minister is wonderful, with an understanding of God and people that still awes me after 12 years. He is the reason that I have stayed. That and a little bit of in-law fear (but that is a whole other entry). I overlook the occasional mention of the saving waters of Baptism (sorry, but with out repentance all you are is a wet sinner), the loss of salvation and my very favorite issue, no musically insturments (Oh, no! A piano? You demon!) "A" doesn't preach on them so I can live with it.
Now, this is what I am pondering....
Why, oh why, are CoC members in the blog-o-sphere, www, etc having a mad cow over losing members to other denominations? Why is there a huge push to get people to stay (and stagnate) instead of going to the church down the street that has a better youth ministry and a worship style that they enjoy? SO WHAT! They are still in church, still worshiping God, and still on the "right side" of the good vs evil game. What gives? I, also, noticed that a lot of the same people are friends and follow the same set of writings, notices, groups, etc. Seriously, does everyone know everyone? If you mention Joe Schmo to Bill Spill, he knows him. If Sally Seashore hears the name Candy Cane, she knows her. I am in awe at how small the community of CoC is when it comes to music, teaching, history and leadership. And if you are too "progressive", you are no longer considered a "Real CoC member" (note ML and PY). What? Are we Amish? I don't remember shunning in the bible.
Speaking of music, are all CoC members required to have vast love for accapella music? And if it is not accapella, do they need to be related to someone in the accapella music industry? Is other music allowed? And are RG and KL the only accapelle music writers? Is "K" really the end-all-be-all? Is every other music second class? I just want to understand. And honest to goodness, I would love to know if any of the churches have SAB sheet music in their possession if a tenor is not available? And I am of the opinion that if you have to fake "instruments" with your voice, you might as well have instruments.
What is so special about going to a CoC college? LU, HU, FHU, OVU, RC, OC etc. (Pep.pe.rdi.ne doesn't really count, it's too liberal) There are millions of people every year who go to other colleges/universities that get perfectly good educations. Why the push? I don't get it. And, right back to the knowing everyone, if you mention "John" at one college, people at another college probably know them because their aunt's friend's husband's cousin went to see him at a lectureship when they were 8.
I thought is was just the CoC for a long time. Then my family reunion happened and my cousins stayed with us; then it hit me. I am finally old enough to realize that this is probably a problem in all large denominations: Southern Baptist, Assembly of God, Catholics, Methodist, CoG, CoC, etc. I mean, shoot, how many church splits have happened just over the version of the bible used? I have family that will only use the KJV.
So I guess my conclusion is, we need to stop denominationalizing every part of our lives and start opening up our minds to others. I am sure there are many schools, teachers, preachers and music that contribute as much to the religious landscape as the denomination that we are currently in. We can learn from everyone. I, myself, have never (and will never) be a dyed-in-the-wool anything. I may one day find that the Christian church is more suited to my liking. Or, I may end up back at the Vineyard. Who knows? I just know that in my heart, God will lead me to the place that I am supposed to be in the end.
Monday, June 14
"When [the parents] give a child away, there are no consequences."
How do you argue this point when the opposing people think that single mother/fatherhood is the only way to teach the parent(s) a lesson on mistake pregnancies?
As an adoptee, I find that sentiment very skewed. I find that not only are there consequences for the birth parents, there are consequences that run far deeper than telling a woman the only way to learn responsible parenting is to keep an unplanned child. I believe with all my being that my mother felt a loss greater that most women will ever know when she placed me in the care of my parents. I believe that part of her never really got passed the struggle of knowing if her decision was the right one. And, I also believe it made her a stronger woman and a better person for having gone through one of the hardest choices someone ever makes. There were emotional consequences that my "debater" cannot even begin to fathom.
I do not in any way believe that keeping a child as "punishment" is in the best interest of the child or the parent. How many children end up in foster care because of this exact through pattern? Why, in this day and age, is adoption the decision of last resort? I am not saying that adoption is the only answer; I am saying that is needs to be a viable option to unplanned and undesired pregnancies. Why do we feel that a grandparent raising a child while the child gets to "keep their childhood" is better than letting someone(s) give the child a fresh start?
"People adopt for the prestige and abuse the kids. It is a status thing." That was the answer given. WOW! That is my only response. Where on earth was that sentiment or information gleaned? Hollywood? Where it is the "in" thing to adopt and have biological children? Please. I hope this is not the only reason people think adoption is done. Seriously? $20-60K for status? Should I be so blessed?
I bring this around to the story of Moses. He was adopted and loved by both his mothers. They both had the best interest of the child at heart. And Hannah? She gave her child back to God as promised. Joseph raised Jesus as his own.
Adoption is not just for the orphans but for the child that is loved so much that a decision is made not with a flippant attitude ("If I give it to someone else, my life doesn't change and I learn nothing from my actions) but with anguish and discernment.
I know there is a growth lesson out of this experience today, I just need to find it.
As an adoptee, I find that sentiment very skewed. I find that not only are there consequences for the birth parents, there are consequences that run far deeper than telling a woman the only way to learn responsible parenting is to keep an unplanned child. I believe with all my being that my mother felt a loss greater that most women will ever know when she placed me in the care of my parents. I believe that part of her never really got passed the struggle of knowing if her decision was the right one. And, I also believe it made her a stronger woman and a better person for having gone through one of the hardest choices someone ever makes. There were emotional consequences that my "debater" cannot even begin to fathom.
I do not in any way believe that keeping a child as "punishment" is in the best interest of the child or the parent. How many children end up in foster care because of this exact through pattern? Why, in this day and age, is adoption the decision of last resort? I am not saying that adoption is the only answer; I am saying that is needs to be a viable option to unplanned and undesired pregnancies. Why do we feel that a grandparent raising a child while the child gets to "keep their childhood" is better than letting someone(s) give the child a fresh start?
"People adopt for the prestige and abuse the kids. It is a status thing." That was the answer given. WOW! That is my only response. Where on earth was that sentiment or information gleaned? Hollywood? Where it is the "in" thing to adopt and have biological children? Please. I hope this is not the only reason people think adoption is done. Seriously? $20-60K for status? Should I be so blessed?
I bring this around to the story of Moses. He was adopted and loved by both his mothers. They both had the best interest of the child at heart. And Hannah? She gave her child back to God as promised. Joseph raised Jesus as his own.
Adoption is not just for the orphans but for the child that is loved so much that a decision is made not with a flippant attitude ("If I give it to someone else, my life doesn't change and I learn nothing from my actions) but with anguish and discernment.
I know there is a growth lesson out of this experience today, I just need to find it.
Saturday, June 12
Finally, A Job with Heart
At some point in the next 1-6 weeks, I will no longer be with the temp agency and I will be an actual employee at the doctor's office. It is almost as if all my work experience in various areas of healthcare have lead up to this point. Right now I am at the check-in/check-out area of the office (at some point I will move into billing).
My job isn't the average doctors' office. Nope. I work for a Federally Qualified Health Clinic (FQHC). This means that we get grants from the government to take care of the poor, struggling and huddled masses. Well, maybe not masses but we are there for the people who need it most. The fees are based on income (or lack there of); we get a lot of chronically ill patients who would normally have no where to go but a free clinic. Some of their conditions are heartbreaking.
The "heart" of my job comes from the doctors. They come in and work for less than the average MD. Some of their 30-45 minute appointments are $15 total. There is no insurance to supplement and no agency that helps out, that is it $15. And our docs treat the patients as if they were in the office with the platinum policy of any commercial insurance. These patients get to have a primary care physician, a local office where we know all about them and they are treated with respect. The docs aren't doing this out of some warped need for boosting of their egos, it is because they have a love of medicine. It have been a while since I have seen that.
Because we are located in a poor side of town, we are able to meet the needs of a community in struggle. I think this is what Jesus was talking about when he said, "Love your neighbor as yourself," and the part where we are instructed to take care of the widows and children, to not look down on others because of circumstance. Our patients may not be the easiest to deal with and they may not always be the epitome of happiness and sunshine. I am okay with that; it is far better than catering to the hypochondria of the bored and computer literate. I feel as though I am making a difference. The job in rewarding yet humbling. It's the first time in a long time that I don't mind getting up and going in to work. I also feel that in some way, God has lead me to this position. And there is a something very comforting about it.
My job isn't the average doctors' office. Nope. I work for a Federally Qualified Health Clinic (FQHC). This means that we get grants from the government to take care of the poor, struggling and huddled masses. Well, maybe not masses but we are there for the people who need it most. The fees are based on income (or lack there of); we get a lot of chronically ill patients who would normally have no where to go but a free clinic. Some of their conditions are heartbreaking.
The "heart" of my job comes from the doctors. They come in and work for less than the average MD. Some of their 30-45 minute appointments are $15 total. There is no insurance to supplement and no agency that helps out, that is it $15. And our docs treat the patients as if they were in the office with the platinum policy of any commercial insurance. These patients get to have a primary care physician, a local office where we know all about them and they are treated with respect. The docs aren't doing this out of some warped need for boosting of their egos, it is because they have a love of medicine. It have been a while since I have seen that.
Because we are located in a poor side of town, we are able to meet the needs of a community in struggle. I think this is what Jesus was talking about when he said, "Love your neighbor as yourself," and the part where we are instructed to take care of the widows and children, to not look down on others because of circumstance. Our patients may not be the easiest to deal with and they may not always be the epitome of happiness and sunshine. I am okay with that; it is far better than catering to the hypochondria of the bored and computer literate. I feel as though I am making a difference. The job in rewarding yet humbling. It's the first time in a long time that I don't mind getting up and going in to work. I also feel that in some way, God has lead me to this position. And there is a something very comforting about it.
Friday, June 11
Moment of Weakness
My inner IF came raging out today. People just don't get that I know God can do anything but I am not so sure pregnancy is one of them; not for me at least.
I need to just start telling people that I don't like kids and that dogs are a much better companion anyway. Oh to be one of the fertiles. *sigh*
Tomorrow is a new day, I will not feel inferior because I can't conceive. (Now I just need to believe it.)
I need to just start telling people that I don't like kids and that dogs are a much better companion anyway. Oh to be one of the fertiles. *sigh*
Tomorrow is a new day, I will not feel inferior because I can't conceive. (Now I just need to believe it.)
Tuesday, June 8
Not By Might, Not By Power, But By My Spirit....
Part One:
I have control issues. I want to have life in a box that is predictable with clear instructions. I want to see how it turns out and see how I will be a stronger person for growing out of adversity. I want to pray and know the answer. I want a lot.What does God want?
My devotion to Him while trusting he will get us through DH's job loss, mortgage modifications, job changes for me and being foster parents. He wants me to let go of the reins and just trust in him. He wants total faith.
I am trying and failing everyday but each day I feel am failing a little less (no matter how minute). I realized when He allowed me to have a peaceful family reunion that my spoken worries are being heard. My unspoken worries must reach God but the answers are not as simple or clear. I need to refocus.
Why is this so hard to put into practice?
Part Two:
Why am I letting others affect my walk/moods? Why do the actions of those people cause me to want to act as the pharisees? I am not better than them; yet, I long to lash out and point out the flaws. I struggling with correction with God's love and condemnation with spite. I need to quit letting their behaviors control how I respond. But how do I stop it from affecting my worship every week? And is confrontation in love still condemnation? Hmmm...
Monday, June 7
Starting Over
For the longest time, my life revolved around infertility and how it affected me. Then the storms of life started - jobs were lost, placements were disastrous, abilities were doubted and faith wavered.
Through the storms I lost my way, allowing life and others to affect my reactions, my thoughts and my dreams. This journal is about moving on and trusting that my faith will carry me through.
If you are reading this, thank you for joining me on my path. You can stay for the long haul or just pop in and out. Just don't judge the book, the Author of my story is still working to make me one of His masterpieces. So unless your "house" is Plexiglas, please keep the stones on the ground.
Through the storms I lost my way, allowing life and others to affect my reactions, my thoughts and my dreams. This journal is about moving on and trusting that my faith will carry me through.
If you are reading this, thank you for joining me on my path. You can stay for the long haul or just pop in and out. Just don't judge the book, the Author of my story is still working to make me one of His masterpieces. So unless your "house" is Plexiglas, please keep the stones on the ground.
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